Reading lots of Alyssa Shelasky’s, my new favorite author, posts today. She makes me feel not so bad about dating men in my 20s, eating too many gourmet meals, and having a few too many. In fact, it’s all part of your 20s.
Actually, being me means overthinking everything and nothing is ever simple. I have a lot of heart inside this body, but I can also be very sarcastic. I am a Taurus in the boldest senses of the word; everything in indulgence and I lavish myself with extravagance as much as humanly possible. I like being in this world.
I constantly wrestle with reigning in my drinking/spending/eating habits as a result of this. Weight loss, sobriety, and savings do not come without a (boring) and diligent effort on my behalf. I am prone to wide scopes of emotions, ranging from the near-deathly depressed to the exuberantly optimistic. Sometimes, Netflix Original Series make me question my whole existence, and, more often than not, Humans of New York’s Branden makes me cry.
I’ll be the first to admit, intense is a word that could be used to describe me, as well as educated, well-traveled, outgoing, strange, and probably ‘much’, I am ‘much’. When I was born God was like, ‘Throw everything in that one, yeah, make her really sparkle.’
Don’t justify this post as a way of praising myself, I’m not. I can’t explain it but someway, I’m actually amending the fact that all my life I have lived with this larger-than-life personality which has sometimes felt like a prison, and now I’m accepting it all. The times where I’m too drunk, too sober, too skinny, too fat, too outgoing, too quiet, too happy, too depressed, in general, too ‘much’.
Guess what, world, wake up. It’s time to see ‘too much’ and let it happen. I can’t handle not being myself, and I can’t handle giving up all the insane pieces of my very flawed puzzle. I’m constantly working on my body, hair, style, personality, making myself as articulate, toned, stylish, as possible. That’s because I want to be the best expression of myself.
I lavish in gifts, and when I think of something which would make me joyous, it would be love. Like, steady, rock steady, love. True love, duh. And oodles of kids, and a mountain house, and a Boston Terrier named Stevie Nicks.
The funny thing about all of this is why I’m writing this in the first place. Of course it’s about a boy, albeit a short lived romance but a strong one, that made me question my worldly desires and the way I could be perceived by others. And, small town jealously and gossip got the best of me. I can’t get enough out of this town I live in and then, I can’t wait to get out of it. It’s all the same.
I definitely hope to come to place of centered-ness, and awareness, and inner peace and all that, but I’m glad I had some fun getting there. On my birthday, the posts which stuck out to me so far were ones like, “You inspire me to live life to the fullest. You are inspiring to me. You hold up so many people. You’re a supportive friend. You are kind.” and so on.
I think I am writing this to you, but mainly, to myself. I want to focus on me for a little time now and see where that takes me. Overall, I’ve spent the better things in my life on being as much of a whole person as I can, and now it’s time for me to let love come to me, naturally and organically, as it should. I couldn’t imagine what’s in store for me, and maybe one day in the sun, I will come back to this post and realize why it started. I manifested from a place of forgiveness, hope, and second chances, and I gave up that which no longer had use in my life.
This isn’t me saying I am not working on myself anymore, but this is crucial and a pivotal lesson for me. I think it’s more important for someone to come into my world and see my flaws than it is to see my best self. For my flaws are the pieces of me you’d have to love while receiving all the time and energy I am willing to spend on you, if you can do that, then you have really accepted who I am, 150%. If I am going to do this for you, you can do it for me…
But I do it for myself, now, and sheesh, if that doesn’t lead to true love, then what does?!