I have this argument with myself in my head, a lot, and it sounds like this:
“Why don’t you go to school for such and such, you know you’re interested in X and good at Y….”
“Ok, I know he wanted to see you because he went out of his way to ask you on a date but why hasn’t he been texting me, or hasn’t called? This seems fuddy, kinda hard to stay positive…”
“Work is just work, maybe I need to be more positive, try harder, engage in new hobbies…”
Sometimes, thinking so hard about being positive actually causes me to feel negative when I want to feel positive. Doesn’t that seem counter-productive? I mean, we spend all this time, all our days, looking, searching and hoping for the next thing. Why don’t we want to be who we are here with now, wearing what we are wearing, our fat or skinny pants, and just love AS is, as we are, as life is, offering what we have to offer at that time?
I’ll perceive how someone likes me, when I see them, but when we aren’t texting or chatting consistently, I get annoyed. It’s aggravating to me to sense rejection by a silent word but when I am around a person, things go swimmingly. I inject fear and loss into the relationship before it even blossoms because I am so consumed with making it work. Isn’t that corny? I’d rather go swimming instead. Out into the big, blue ocean, and get eaten by a shark, then worry about how much or how little I am being texted. I’ll eat dirt before make due with a man who doesn’t have the wherewithal to like me as I am. I don’t have a cool, calm, and collected texting history, I am a frantic and excitable person, thus, so are my text messages.
Beyond that, what about hope, and money, and wisdom, and truth? I look around me, seeing how everyone is doing, working, hustling, going to school and work, kinda inspiring, don’t you think? I had someone explain to me why they loved New York City recently, and he said it like this. Being around others who are doing things you’re looking to do makes you do the things you’re looking to do, sooner, and with more vigor, because you’re aware of what can be accomplished.
“I would get on the train with 100 other people who were getting on the train, in Manhattan. I would love to go to work again with a herd of people who are all out there to hustle, same time, every day. It’s inspiring.”
That’s what we need in our daily lives. I run half marathons, and am training for a full marathon. Sometimes I have sensed my giving in should I stop for one second on the course. Race day lives on in my mind forever as a day of endurance, a test of will power, but more the passion of people around me. I run on their energy, and their vibes keep me high- more than the rumoured ‘runner’s high’ ever could!
Anyone you want to be, you’re welcome to be. Give it your all. Go to school if you’re going to school. Stop whining and complaining that your boyfriend dumped you; you’ll find another one, and a better one, at that. Go see a play and lay in bed and look under the stars under a big blanket with your besties and some wine. Catch a fun movie or go around the world to see Spain, and a picture of your favorite painting hanging in a museum (Dali), argue with friends and know that your passion is a result of caring. Do it all again, but not on Sundays. Effortlessness on Sundays, please.
What I’m trying to say is, basically, we need one another. We need the vibration in our bones of running next to a partner. We need to read words in a book and feel them course through our veins like thunder. We need handfuls of hair pulled out by babies when we are exhausted so we look up at the sky and laugh in friendly exasperation. There’s something beautiful about letting go.